Here I Go Again ...

It's been a while since I've posted anything -- for good reason. I totally fell off the wagon and it's taken me until now to bring myself to the point of coming out of denial.

I'm even less healthy than I was before and just as fat. I realize that throwing my cares to the wind and letting things just escalate is not going to help matters at all. I absolutely must get serious about my health and change my diet if I have any hopes of making it to my next birthday.

I'm not kidding. I feel it has actually come to that. Every day I wonder if I'm going to have a heart attack or a stroke. I feel the universe is sending me messages constantly (a friend's grandmother just had a stroke and as I was listening to the description of what she was going through, I was envisioning it was ME lying in that hospital bed instead of her. And I couldn't (and still can't) shake those images from my mind.) I keep thinking of my father and his high blood pressure. I think of how I'm just a few years away from the age he was when he died of a massive heart attack.

I think of my mother in the nursing home and how the past several years of her life have been wasted -- and how completely avoidable it all was. I truly believe if my mom had taken better care of herself that she would still be up and running today.

I'm afraid to go to the doctor. I am way past due for a mammogram and pap test but I'm ashamed and embarrassed to go. I know there will be blood tests involved that will not only show that my cholesterol is at dangerously high levels but that I am diabetic. I know my liver is dealing with the affects of fat and sugar and don't even want to think what my triglyceride levels are.

And my blood pressure. I got up the nerve to do a test at one of the kiosks in the store and it was 173/112.  I know that wasn't a fluke. I have seen readings like this before.

So yes -- I'm a mess.

I don't want to place blame on anyone or anything except me. No one makes me eat a bag of Oreos or consume donuts at every opportunity but me. It's all me. I must take responsibility for where my health is now.

And I must take responsibility for changing it.

I know I could go to doctors who would be more than happy to hand me a fistful of prescriptions and tell me to come back in a month and check where I'm at (and make adjustments in those prescriptions accordingly.) I don't want to go that route. I want to get to the cause and cure it. I don't want to just deal with the symptoms.

That's where my diet comes in. I know that by eating plant-based I can reverse just about every health issue I'm dealing with (and probably some that I'm not even aware of ... ) I know the pounds would start to drop off and I'd have more energy and feel better than I have in years.

So what keeps me from doing it? Am I that addicted to this way of eating and the fat, sugar, and salt in the foods I choose that I would put my life on the line?

Apparently the answer is yes. But I'm determined to change. I am doing all I can to educate myself with the belief that once I know better, I can't not know better.

I watched "Forks Over Knives" this morning. It was scary and certainly made an impact. But as I was watching, I ate a piece of pizza. I think about it now and can't believe I did that (when there were salad fixings, fruit, and other healthy options sitting in the fridge right next to the pizza.) I know I'm going to have to really fight to overcome my lack of willpower and the pull of temptation.

I asked my husband if he would watch the movie -- and his response was that he would, but he was not about to become a vegan. I was disappointed (although not surprised) but asked if he would at least watch it in order to understand better what my concerns are and in order to support me better in what I'm trying to do. He said he would.

It's a start. It's a beginning. And it has to be now.

In the meantime, I'm going to get dressed and head for the store. I'm picking up a few ingredients so I can make a pot of soup this afternoon that will hopefully provide me with dinners for the rest of the week. Since I'm working late each day, I'll just make up a bowl of soup when I get home and that will make one meal easier. I'm planning to have smoothies for breakfasts and big salads for lunches. I'll bring chopped veggies and no-fat hummus to work with me to munch on if I get hungry.

It's all plant-based, vegan, high in nutrition and low in fat and calories.

My goal is to make it one week eating this way. I just need to know I can do it. I need to not make a big deal out of it and just live like this is the way I've always lived.

Oh -- and I did one-mile of WATP today. I know it's not much but I want to work my way up to 3 - 4 miles a day gradually. Thankfully I bought a new DVD so I have some different routines to work with. I'm actually excited about that.

So -- with all this said. I'm back. I'm hoping to be posting my progress here on a regular basis, sharing recipes I discover (I just ordered a couple new vegan cookbooks that I'm excited about) and basically just trying to keep myself encouraged and motivated by journaling about my experience.

And praying I see the results I'm hoping for.

Healthy Breakfast Bars

I have a recipe I make up that I call "Healthy Fiber Bars". I tend to eat one everyday for breakfast. I love them because they're quick and easy, (just pull one out of the freezer and pop it in the microwave to heat up) yummy, and (I thought) healthy. I can make a batch up and know that breakfast is covered for the next 3 weeks. Unfortunately, they are not vegan and I'm at a loss for how to rework the recipe to eliminate the dairy in it. That's going to be a project for the very near future.

Wish I knew of someone skilled at converting recipes to vegan. While this one only contains relatively small amounts of butter (1/4 cup) and sugar (1/2 cup) the big problem is that it calls for 2 whole eggs and 8 egg whites which serve as the "glue" for the mix. I'm just not sure how to go about dealing with that part of the recipe.

And of course, my goal is to keep this recipe very low in fat (meaning none added) and vegan. Help!